Well what to write? It has been a while since I have issued a new post and as I think about why that is I can't help but reflect over my past week. How has it been? Well to be honest it has been a horrible week, its been a lonely week and quite frankly I am glad that its over.
As of today the second year cadets are officially on outplacement and I know for many this is an exciting time as we get to experience ministry in the field. My own placements are good but to be honest I am really not looking forward to them. Physically, emotionally and spiritually I feel drained and I am really struggling to focus on both God and what lies ahead other than the assignments that are due in coming weeks. It seems to me that even though we are going to be busy at our placements, and that we are supposed to be focussing on them that, in the middle of it all the study raises its head and for me this is a huge distraction. I feel that my whole life rotates around the books and stuff that quite frankly makes no sense. Comprehending what is done in class is more than a challenge let alone actually remembering any of it. The academic which is important is just such a bore and I find the more I have to do it the more I dislike it. It just seems so overwhelming and that plays havock with my anxiety levels.
So I guess its just been one of those weeks and I am just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe. Maybe what I am feeling is justified I don't know. It is a scary thought however, knowing I have a full year ahead and yet already I feel exhauseted and fed up. The questions get asked in my mind, am I supposed to be here? have I heard the call correctly? am I capable? do I want to be capable? and the questions go on. Sometimes it would be so much easier to go back to what I was good at and where for the most part I was certainly alot happier. Who knows. anyway here is heading into a new week. Maybe by next weekend I will be feeling much happier.