The last few months have, to say the least, been extremely challenging. Not only this but I have been seriously questioning my ministry and where I fit in the scheme of things. The spiritual journey is an interesting one and it certainly presents many different emotions and experiences along the way. As a child who was constantly moved around throughout my schooling years, and seeing the damage that this has caused, I have found myself asking the question: is this what I want for my child? Do I want to be constantly moving around throughout my working life or do I want to put my roots down somewhere?
Many find ministry exhilarating and many know without a shadow of a doubt that their calling is secure; me on the other hand, I am beginning to wonder. Am I really called to what I am doing, was it just a great idea at the time? How do we really know? For me the past six years have been a very lonely and painful time. A time when I have been constantly on a rollercoaster ride of spiritual doubt and emotional challenge. It is easy to say that God has called me when you are not me, or that God will sustain and provide. I guess he will, assuming that we are walking in His will and purpose for us. But what if by some bad choice we are not walking the way God wants for us? What if the path we are walking is simply our human decision and not a God leading?
It is also easy to say (for those not in the middle of it) that the devil is just having a crack, or you must be doing something right if the devil is giving you so much attention. But again a question needs to be asked: is it simply the devil having a crack or is there something more happening here? It is always easier to blame the devil. In fact you can blame the devil every time something doesn't go the way you think it should. I really feel that blaming the devil is in some instances nothing more than a cop out. It's too easy to blame him for something that is simply a life factor.
Sometimes we make life changes because of what we feel at a given moment. Sometimes we enter into a line of work we think we may be called to when in fact it was just a bad choice. How do we tell the difference?
I guess as I wrestle with this over the next few weeks hopefully some answers will come to light.